Dear Pottery Barn,

Heeeey, guys. I am just loving the new indigo catalog. I look great in blue and can’t wait to nestle myself in a mound of your textiles piled high on my rustic yet modern yet traditional PB bed. I’ll drown myself in a sea of decorative pillows. CAN’T. WAIT.

One thing: where in your pages might I find the linen tissue box cover – oh wait, I found it! But you’re missing the matching antibacterial wipe container cover. ??? I was hoping to get it monogrammed. And, does it come with a pom pom trim? I guess I could add it, but I do so loathe DIY projects.

While you’re at it, here are a few other things I’m looking for:

1. Ceramic bowl in dove gray, crafted in the jungles of the Congo by the hands of baby gorillas trained by the world’s finest baby gorilla trainers/pottery spinners, with “Vomit Bucket” engraved on the side. I’ll need that for our annual catching of the Norovirus. 

2. Several sets of hammered glass square/rectangular and/or circular/elongated oval containers for organizing my kids’ LEGOS. I’d like the lids to have small round orbs as handles, you know the ones, the ones that a super hard to grab?

3. I need some baskets. Please take the ones you have with the large handles, the sturdy baskets, and have six-month-old Clumber Spaniels chew holes in the bottom. I like that worn-antiquey look. Our dogs chewed the legs on our coffee table and I just know the baskets will tie those textures together highlighting the natural undertones in our living space.

4. At one time, did you not have olive green drapes made entirely of fur? FAUX, of course. I worry about important issues. I have thoughts about things and I like to do my thinking in our “World Traveler/Equestrian Chic” library. But the sun! My, goodness. It’s so bright. And the children. NO! They are not allowed in there. With their greasy faces.

5. I need one large pine cone.

6. Do you have any lamps made entirely of leather? I like the ole timey smell of burning oils for light. I also like pork lard.

7. I love your selection of wall organizing personalization calendar units. I have a hard time keeping track of my trips to Costco for organic meat and bulk candy. What with doctor appointments, teacher conferences, elderly parents’ medical needs, driving friends to rehab, consoling my bff because she STILL can’t get pregnant, ALEPPO. It’s hard to keep up! Can you make bigger ones?

You guys are TOO AWESOME!! <weird heart$@ emoji> Super excited about Easter (HE IS RISEN) and all the bunnies! I’ve got my eye out for all egg wreaths!

Forever Yours, 

Alissa